I have what is called HG when I am pregnant or Hypermesis Gravidarum which is basically a severe form of morning sickness. I have had it with every pregnancy and it most affected me in my second pregnancy. By the time I had my second girl I had lost a total of over 20 pounds total by the time I had her. That means at full term I was 20 lighter than I am when I am not pregnant. (before I got pregnant with her I was 120lbs) I puked so much and lost so much fluid that despite IV therapy she was born with Intra Uterine Growth Retardation, such low amniotic fluid it registered at about a 2 or 3 (10 is normal) and by the time my placenta was delivered it was half dead as my body could not keep it nourished. I had to see a specialist in Missoula for that pregnancy. My last pregnancy I puked so much so often that I tore a small hole in my esophagus and puked up as much blood as anything else. I went on a soft diet to repair it so that when I puked it wouldn't be chunky and tear the hole more. That pretty much explains each and every pregnancy with varying degrees of sickness. I would puke all day, every day, to the point that I never even got out of bed. I certainly have heard of many women who had HG even worse than me, to the point it was life threatening, and I count myself lucky that mine never got to that point.
So that has been my summer. Thanks to more info and knowledge on eating right I have managed to keep down more food than any of my pregnancies. This doesn't mean I felt less sick, I just kept it down from sheer will power and eating foods rich in digestive enzymes like Sauerkraut. However the worst part of HG is the mental part. When you are basically fighting having the full blown, can't get out of bed, head over the toilet, stomach flu for 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for 6 months….You eventually sink into a depression. I am normally the least depressed and sad person you will ever meet. I have literally no concept of depression, I can always see the good in every day and am hardly ever down. But in the middle of HG I sink into a very dangerous, very aggressive and pathetic state of mind. I cry, I blubber, I wail and I become very very angry that millions of women get pregnant every day without every even comprehending HG. I have so many friends who think they were sick while pregnant (and they were) but when I question them how many times a day they puke, they usually say something like this "oh I hardly every puked, just queasy all day." and I just want to slap them. Well not really, but it frustrated me that most women have no comprehension what morning sickness really really is. It is a debilitating, life threatening, baby threatening, depressive, sick monster that consumes you and your entire family for 6 months. (not three) I think most of my friends and family would have been shocked at what transpired over here on the goat farm this summer. It was pretty bad but the only ones who even remotely knew the truth of how bad it was were my husband, kids and my mother who also had HG with her pregnancies. She even ended up in the hospital for a week with her last one, and I stress all the time that I am going to pass this on to my four girls. Its like a family curse.
And make no mistake, my family pays the price. My children watched all summer long as day after day their mother vomited, never made it out of bed, was to sick to even talk to them, and they were pretty much on their own all summer long. They cooked, cleaned, mowed, did the chores, milked the goats, took care of their brother, fussed and cried over their mom, and did their very best. In fact I could have never done it without them, my oldest is a teenager and she and her sisters really stepped up to the plate. And everything else went to pot around here. The garden and flower beds are full of weeds, the goats don't know who I am, the ponies never got trained, and on and on. But the basics were covered and we made made it through it, it took a huge toll on us, especially my sensitive second oldest child, but we did it! And we are stronger and better for it. My husband has spent countless hours by my bed cleaning up bowl after bowl of puke, cooking meal after meal that would promptly be puked right back up only minutes after feeding me, taking care of the house, working full time, being the dad and mom and trying to keep my spirits up. But eventually I would drag even my happy optimistic husband down. And that takes some doing. ;)
I always tell almost everyone that I'm doing good or okay because most people just shake their head and look down their noses as if to say "well it serves you right for getting pregnant again even when you knew this would happen." or "well you knew going in this would happen…" So I hold my head high and make a good show in front of others because I am not a complainer (well except to family, you know who you are) and the truth is….I would do this over and over and over again. Because it is always always always more than worth it. If I have to spend 6 months puking so hard that I tear a hole in my esophagus, I will be more than happy to do it. Because its a honor to have these kids, and its a privilege that not every woman gets. I have never once not wanted any of my pregnancies or babies because I could never put a price on my kids. Every sacrifice and every bowl of puke is worth it. And after 40 weeks when I hold my newborn child, every minute of the torture we went through to get her…disappears and becomes a faint and distant memory.
This baby will make 5 and the question we most often get is how we afford it. I almost laugh out right when I hear this question because it is so offensive and crude to us and most especially to the baby. I can't really imagine anyone who could ever put a monetary value on a child. It actually blows me away. When I see women in Africa who starve themselves so their children can eat, I wonder how anyone would ever feel we can't provide for our children. We have a warm, cozy, happy house. Granted, its going to be a very crowded little house that we have outgrown but honestly we have several beds upstairs for our kids and yet most nights we find all three of our youngest in one bed together. They love sleeping together and playing together and sharing and I'm happy they have each other and they get to be raised in a big happy family. We also have a lovely warm little van that gets us anywhere we need to go, unlimited amounts of food and clean water, a safe and secure country to live in, amazing family and friends all around us, and yet we can't 'afford' a child? I guess maybe my kids won't get to take ballet, horse lessons, ski lessons, trips to disney or ski vacations, but I think they are pretty happy kids. They have parents who think they hung the moon, parents who love each other deeply, parents and grandparents who support them in every thing they do and spent countless hours talking, playing and loving them. I think they will grow up happy. Both my husband and I did and we never had any of those fancy expensive things either and yet we both feel that we had amazing childhoods. I've already harped on that subject in previous posts so I will let it go.You will be spared for now…:)
I also get asked how I am going to deal with nursing and diapers and potty training again. And although I laugh back and respond that I must have lost my mind, the truth is I love all those things. I love everything about being a mother (except things like being life flighted with your child to a childrens hospital in the middle of the night and other such things) I love nursing, I love my babies, I love changing their cute little diapers and reading to them and all the other little nuances of being a mother. Its not drudgery to me, its not complicated, its not near as hard as parenting books or doctors make it out to be. Its natural and only as hard as you make it. And I love it and can't wait to do it again. In fact it goes way way to fast and with my youngest now old enough to start school this year (i held him back, mostly for selfish reasons) I am so so overjoyed and happy that I will have another little bonus baby coming along. I consider it one of the best things thats ever happened to us. She will really be the frosting on our cake.
Even my kids are so excited about this new baby sister that its almost all they talk about. They constantly hug and kiss my belly and talk to her and tell her how excited they are to meet her. I love it. I love everything about being pregnant while having older kids. (well except they are much more curious how the baby got there, they no longer believe the stork was involved) They have so much love for her already. It has turned into a high risk complicated pregnancy that at what point was going to end with me hospitalized in Missoula or Seattle for the last portion of it and delivering via csection and a caesarean hysterectomy. But gradually things are looking better and better. To the point that I will likely even be able to deliver in Kalispell. YAY! So we won't be taking this little girl for granted. I will be so happy for a healthy little baby. We have been told she had ABS (amniotic band syndrome) and had made peace with the fact that she would be born likely missing digits and limbs. Then we were told she would be delivered very premature to save my life due to placenta previa with possible placenta accreta. Then we were told she could likely be delivered at any time in my pregnancy, even if she wouldn't make it, if I started bleeding at all. And we had dealt with it all as it came at us.
But somehow she's a little fighter and has pretty much made all those diagnosis a joke. Every time we go in, we get better news and she's doing a little better and she's a little stronger and a little bigger. And she has been through every test, from testing all her chromosome factors and genetic testing, to very invasive and long ultrasounds that looked at every single part of her tiny little body. She has pushed the uterine bands (originally thought to be ABS bands) right out of her way and has not allowed them to affect her at all. And so far she has passed every test with flying colors astounding not only us but her doctors as well. We have been seeing a specialist out of Missoula for the duration of this pregnancy and he informed us at the last visit that he was hopeful he would only have to look at her one more time and then he could release me to my regular doctors again and I could deliver in Kalispell again and MAYBE even have a VBAC! We are not quite out of the woods yet, there is still some scary factors we need to eliminate, but overall we feel optimistic about the future!
Anyway, this has been a long, stressful and very sick summer and I have not done anything on this blog or made anything to sell. But I am finally starting to feel better. I still fight a lot of nauseous and some bouts of puking but I have what I call "normal morning sickness" now and am up and at em. I will hopefully never need IV therapy again and the rest of this should be smooth sailing. I have not lost any weight (haven't gained any either) and thanks to our little fighter, things are looking good! So I will be starting to think of holiday projects! My oldest daughter milked 2 goats all summer for me so I have a good stock of milk for soap so I will maybe start there….So please don't give up on me and check back soon for fall and holiday products. I have a few new ideas in mind, some kids gifts this year, and am excited to be getting the creative juices flown again. Thanks for sticking with me, I can only go up from here!! I am not one for ever posting pictures of myself and especially belly pictures but heres one to prove this isn't all a story. And its very professional, serene, and not cheesy at all. ;)
