**this is a very long post so allow yourself plenty of time. I have decided to rate it PG 13 because I think anything written or spoken about Vegas should be PG 13, don't worry its not because of over sharing, its because I write about Vegas and the people in it. This is your only warning**
I want to begin this post by explaining that my fear of flying is very very real. I may write it as humorously as I can, but make no mistake I am NOT embellishing it. I think that many people, (Rye) don't realize how real of a fear this is for us and they get impatient and frustrated by our general unreasonableness. I would gladly go walking with a million bears besides me in glacier park than ever fly again. It is that real. And although as soon as I am on dry ground, I can realize how silly all my fears are, when I am in the moment it is almost impossible to reason with me. Rye now knows, after 13 years of marriage, that my fear of flying is very real and is not to be taken lightly. He also knows that if I do ever go flying again he would like to be far far away. ;) I took the time to research the fear of flying once we got to the hotel and its a thing. I am not totally wacked and abnormal and in fact have ALL of the fears that are normal for those with my issue, except the fear of getting blow up by a bomb. In made me feel better. i might take this course and see if it works. I wonder it they give you your money back?
Anyway so we are in the air beginning our descent. I have managed through some very strong self will to convince myself that we are not going to crash and that all is well up to this point. Now that the snow is gone and I feel like the wing is not as icy as it once was and I can let that worry go, I remember that we can expect Vegas to be 'bumpy.' But since our pilot was a quiet one, we hadn't heard anymore on the subject so I figured we must be good to go. I can not accurately explain the terror I went through in that landing. It was way way way beyond bumpy and in a category of its own. I later talked to a local that said she hadn't seen wind like that ever in the whole time she's lived in Vegas. (which was like 6 months, but still) My sweet little divorcee even admitted in all her hundreds and hundreds of flights that it was one of the 'rougher' ones although by no means THE roughest. We were not just getting bumped around we were getting thrown around. Meaning we were getting swept side to side, and back and forth and not just up and down. The closer we got the the ground, the rougher it got until I realized that no way in a million years was this plane ever going to be able to land correctly. And in my mind I was making my last will and testament. I wanted to get my phone out and text my kids but I was too paralyzed by fright. Rye actually really clued in on this one and realized how scared I was. It was without a doubt the most scared Ive ever been in my life, and looking back I can hardly believe that.
The only thing Mr. Incredible could keep saying that would penetrate the terror is "honey look around at everyone else." and so I would and I was the ONLY one in my line of sight that was even remotely disturbed by our landing. I still can't figure out whats wrong with these people. We are getting thrown around, thousands of feet above the ground, in a several ton jet that logistically should NOT be able to be airborne. (I don't care how many engineers try to explain this to me, flying is not natural) But it actually did help me, I figured if none of them were worried, than we must be okay. But I also think we feed off each other. They were probably all secretly glancing around too and they would see me all unruffled and calm and cool and think ok, we must be all right. So I wish I would have started screaming and gasping and seen if that affected anyone. But it only slightly helped. My motion sickness had kicked in and that along with the fear was making for a very rough landing. But we did it and I still think we were close to crashing because even our touch down was pretty rough. The feeling I had once we landed was of such euphoria that I was alive that I almost peed myself right then and there. Mr. Increidble was actually pretty attentive and felt pretty bad for me. I think its when he finally realized how real my fear was. We exited into a ferocious wind and hopped onto our shuttle. That was an experience in itself, Rye mentioned he was way more afraid we were gonna crash in that shuttle going 90 miles an hour. But I finally felt safe, I could handle a bus crash no problem. Just tuck and roll. Tuck and roll. One thing was certain though after I exited that plane, NOTHING was ever going to convince me to willingly get on a plane again. Which left the problem of how I was going to get home….
Anyway our first night was fun because I was coming off the high that a near death experience can give you and that coupled with all the gallons of adrenaline coursing through my body, made my first Vegas experience even more amazing than I even thought. I was in complete awe and was so anxious to celebrate the fact that I was still on this earth and my children still had a mother, that I was ready to do Vegas right then and there in some wee hour of the morning. Luckily Rye was a little more exhausted, likely because of how draining I actually was, and so we tucked in tight and decided to hit The next day hard.
We started off Friday morning by getting a taxi. I had never in my life been in one and so wanted to experience it and our hotel was a long way from anything so I talked (this took some doing) Rye into getting us one because the man assured me the total would only be $11. Our first indication that we weren't in Montana anymore was when our taxi cab driver asked us where we were from, We told him Montana and he said "oh yeah, i know that place, isn't it by New York?" We took the easy way out and just nodded, or maybe we were too surprised to answer. But once he dropped us off we hit it. And hit it we did. I think I came out of the gate a little hard and fast because by the end of the first night we had not only walked the whole strip, we had toured and walked through almost every single hotel there. I was a little gung ho and very excited and so we maybe could have spread it out a bit more. By the end of the night I had bleeding (seriously) and blistered feet like you can't believe, not to mention the screaming muscles that hadn't been used in 13 years. Our hotel was way way way down at the very end of the strip which didn't help matters. By the next day I had talked Rye into a bus pass and that was the best anniversary present he could have ever given me.
One of the things I wanted to do in Vegas was see a show. I had picked a cirque d soleil show as Ive never seen one and I thought it would be the traditional Vegas experience. But they were out of our price range and so I squished that little dream and tried not to think about it again. Now for those of you who go to Vegas, you know that theres hawkers on every corner trying to get you to do something in exchange for free tickets. Rye ignored them but it was hard for me too. So I finally had one lady that I just couldn't NOT talk to and i admitted to her that I wanted to see Mystere. Too make a long story short, she and I were best of buds at the end of our time together. We both had 4 kids, we both were scared of sensual shows, and we both loved cold cereal. She was missing teeth but I do think she was one of this nicer people I met there. I have no idea if we actually had any of those things in common but she sure made me feel like we had a moment. And all I had to do in exchange for these tickets was sit through a 2 hour time share presentation. I could totally do that and Rye ended up not having much choice on wether he could or not.
So we blissfully and happily head off to our little presentation having no idea what we were in for. It was one of my favorite and funniest experiences there. I have no idea how we even got into this presentation. Here we are in our old navy special shirts, camo backpacks, uglier than sin shoes, and our complete country bumpkiness on complete display. And make no mistake, this was a black tie affair. Now you all know already how fascinating I find people and I have grouped the Vegas people into several different categories. We will get to those later. But what I loved about this presentation is that we went through a total of 4 salesman before they finally realized we were a lost cause. And everyone single one of these men would approach us with this incredible professional demeanor. And by the time they were done with us they were laughing and snorting and shaking their heads. Not because we were special but because underneath every fancy Vegas facade there is a real person just waiting to break through.
Our first fellow was a very good looking black (he informed me it was okay to use that word now, I was relieved as I never knew what I could or couldn't say) man who was full of BLING and class. I mean we are talking serious BLING. I loved it. I don't think many men could pull it off (like rye) but man did he pull it off. He had these swishy trousers and shiny head and smelled amazing and was full of gold. Everywhere. I instantly decided that we needed to be friends. He was one of those who started out all professional and soon we were talking about Dora the explorer and laughing about everything. He was HILARIOUS! And we had so much fun. As soon as he realized we were in no way equipped to buy a time share, he just sat back and had fun with us. In fact when he handed us over to his supervisor he actually told me that he was so tickled to have met me and he's never met anyone quite like me and he walked away laughing and shaking his head. Now I loved this, NOT because Im narcissistic but because I was able to break through those walls and find the real person that was hiding in there, and I don't think many people ever did. And they missed out because he was one of my favorite people I met in Vegas. (the lush sales lady was a tie)
Now these people are salesman. I mean Ive never seen anything like it. In fact I have no idea how anyone who has even a smidgen of money ever walks out of there without owning a time share. They had us down to so cheap they were almost paying us to live in their condo. Finally we figured out that when we told them I was never ever getting into another airplane as long as I lived (which was true) that it stopped them. They must not have been trained to handle that scenario. So thats a tip for you all if you are ever in that situation, use the fear of flying. I actually informed Frank (my blinger) that I would in fact be hitch hiking my way home from Vegas as I was in no way getting back into a plane and I actually felt that was a much safer mode of transportation. Frank was more than happy to try to explain to me how safe flying is, but if my own husband can't break through, Frank had no chance. I do thin he had fun trying though.
Anyway we went through a few more supervisors until we came to the last guy. And wow was he something. Frank had bling, this guy had class. He was the big dog, he was the one they bring out when all else fails. He looked like he stepped right out of GQ. Now I'm a typical woman and am somewhat impressed with class and style, and right away I knew this was going to be a tough nut to crack. He had the Vegas facade down pat. He had white eyelashes which fascinated me beyond belief and this beautiful strawberry red hair and these weird green eyes. He also had these super pointy shiny snake skin shoes that only he (and australians) could pull off. I have no doubt he was hired on his appearance alone because I was riveted. But he was a stone. He was so professional that no matter what we did he just looked at us from his lofty place and you knew he wished he could have had anyone but us. He gave up on the condo right away and started trying to sell us a trip to the Caribbean. Pretty soon we were down to $299 to go to the Caribbean. I was almost getting ready to do it but Mr. Smarty Pants reminded me that we didn't in fact have that kind of money, we were saving it for Vegas. Whatever.
Anyway we had given up on him and were just enduring the speeches until Rye had to throw goats in there. He casually mentioned that laying on a beach in the caribbean did in fact sound great but there was no way his wife was going to ever leave her goats and get into a jet and fly again. (which is dumb because i can leave the goats i just can't fly) And guess what, the facade slipped just a little. There was a hint of a smile. But then he immediently regrouped and went on. But Rye caught that slip and he kept going on the goat thing (i was almost embarrassed) and pretty soon we had more that a half smile. And then he laid down his pen and gave us a REAL smile and almost shyly says "my dad raises pygmy goats in Kentucky and I grew up with goats." Oh my word. I couldn't believe it. This stunning, professional, metrosexual, classy, 2000 dollar suit man just admitted he grew up a goat farm? My trip was complete. I could go home happy. Suffice to say it made my day to be able to reach this 'tough nut' and I think we were all better for it. We truly did have a moment and it was cake with him from there on. And it became my secret mission from that point on the break the Vegas facade.
Because Vegas has a facade. I don't know if its because we are in such a glamorous place or what it is but everyone is at their top. I mean we are talking dresses to the nines, every hair in place, high heels, fancy clothes, pointy shoes, but what strikes me most is the vacant "I'm above all this" stare that everyone gives off. So first off we decide to see how many people will look you in the eye. (shockingly few) and second, if someone did look us in the eye we would wink at them. This ended up being hilarious in itself. Without FAIL it would make them do a double take and even a backward glance. And they would crack. All it took was a wink. IN fact I would love to do a whole post and experiment on the power of the wink. This post is getting long and boring so lets just say that we went out of our way to over interact with every person we came into contact with and we ALWAYS broke through the VF to the real person. We had REAL, fun encounters with everyone we met regardless if it was the waiter or the bell boy. And because of this we got special things.
Our hotel clerk upgraded us, mostly because of Ryes EXCESSIVE flirting. Our seating attendant upgraded us from the worst seating at the Mystere (I knew they would gype us somehow) to the 4th row. (i told her i had never been to vegas or a show and it was my first time and I was so excited) She saw how excited I was and she responded. If I wouldn't have stopped and talked to her I would have been sitting in the back row and had a very bad view of the most amazing show ever. Once again I tell you all this not to pound home our friendliness but to share how people respond to kindness and friendliness and how it comes back to ya. And how pretending that you are just used to this kind of scene all the time and showing no real excitement about anything is actually quite boring. Being a cool sophisticated woman of the world is always going to be a letdown. Trust me.
I was not disappointed in Mystere, especially when it was so hard earned, but I was very disappointed in my seating companion. I had the pleasure of being seated next to an Italian man about my own age and his very new american girlfriend. He was drinking a beer the whole time and I was treated to the distinct pleasure of smelling his horrid beer burps about every 2 seconds. And what they say about Italian men must be true because he was ALL OVER that new girlfriend. I literally had to listen to kissing sounds the entire time. When he wasn't kissing her neck or her face he would hold her hand up to his mouth and repeatedly kiss it over and over. I mean gag for the rest of us. I was feeling quite sorry for this girl as she had this stinky beer burp saliva all over her but she was eating it up. I had a hard time believing that she was more riveting than cirque d soleil but hey I guess it would be nice to be found that interesting. Rye was so riveted by the show he didn't even realize that I myself was trying to crawl into his lap to get away from the italian. And normally he would notice this as I'm not huge on PDA and Rye is. But it was awesome and we decided afterwards to go to Señor Frogs for a bite to eat.
And thats when we learned that we do not like loud music, drunk dancing women, (i don't know where the men were) jello shots lines, and strobe lights. I was so dizzy from the lights and from having a first row view of some very odd twerking done by very drunk women that it was lucky I made it out of there. So we realized the hard way that we are not señor frogs sort of people and we also realized that sitting cold stone sober in the middle of drunk people who think they are so cute and sexy, is very enlightening. We are a wee bit boring I guess. But I did LOVE the fountains of Bellagio and all the millions of other amazing things to see and do in Vegas. I should mention our lush sale lady just because it was SO funny how uncomfortable it made Rye. Which I never see and is very entertaining.
I love Lush products ever since I went to Seattle and my friend told me to stop there. IN fact its the only store we went to in Vegas as I'm not a shopper. I did try to get Rye to go into Gucci with me so I could experience a Gucci store but he refused. So anyway we get into lush and I'm just smelling everything and sampling everything and am in heaven and I start talking to a saleslady and we eventually hit it off. Now let me back up and explain that Rye is super uncomfortable with anyone touching him but me. I have tried for 15 years to get him to get a massage as he's never had one but he will NEVER ever do it. He says there is just something wrong about another lady massaging him while he's naked and something even more wrong (for him anyway ) about a man massaging him while he's half naked. It just makes him so uncomfortable when anyone else touches him in anyway. I think this is funny and I like to play on it. So I decided to show Ms. Lush, Ryes poor stained, calloused beat up hands. And it was like she hit the jackpot. The first thing she had to do was tell him they were the manliest biggest hands she's ever seen. So right off, although he's flattered I'm sure, he is instantly on guard and nervous. She's looking at his hand and stroking it and turning it around and around and he's wishing he could be a anywhere else but there. I think he would have rather even been in a plane with me.
So then she asks if she can give him a hand treatment. He stared at her agape, confused and completely out of his element as she explained that she was going to in fact, exfoliate, massage, and soak his hands. This somewhat settled him until he realized this involved some very real contact with the beautiful lush lady. (and of course Im the one who told her that absolutely she could give him one) And man did she take her time. She exfoliated every single bit of those hands for a very long time talking nonstop the whole time to him about how she's only ever had one man manlier than him in there (who?? i would like to know!) then she put cuticle cream all over (he had no idea what cuticles were) and then massaged lotion all over his hands. And he was just stuck there with ocean salt all over his manly hands and nowhere to run. Now this is normal procedure for most, but for those of you who know my husband you can totally appreciate and laugh at how hysterically funny this was to me. I don't know if I've ever seen him so uncomfortable and I will never ever get him into another lush store with me. I know, because I tried the next day at a different lush store. It was one of my highlights of the day and made even better by the fact that when she checked us out she told us we were her very favorite couple ever. What an honor but I don't think I can take the credit for that one. I'm not sure what kind of hands the men have in Vegas, but regardless he was a wonder for her.
We had so much fun on our trip but I will say I've never NOT had fun a trip with Rye. I have no idea how we got so lucky and ended up together because even after 13 years he is still the only one I want to go to Vegas with. And thats what blew me away about Vegas. I think its such a romantic place to be, so may fountains and romantic restraunts and things to see and do that are SO romantic. But yet couples were the minority. So now we come to the categories of people. 1)the sad depressed (usually older ladies) people who go there to sit in front a machine and spend their lives savings. I can't even pretend or begin to understand theses people and sadly, I have no desire too. They do not in any way appreciate Vegas or the sights sounds or things to do. They are there for one reason and one reason only.
2)the married ones who go there with others of the same sex to P.A.R.T.Y. And I mean hordes of men and women all flocking together who are already drunk at 9 o'clock in the morning and think they are hysterically funny at all times. Most of these people have spouses at home who MUST be wondering what they are up to. (I don't think they would want to know) They are there with all their friends and they could care less about the sights around them, they just want to drink and dance and flirt and pretend like they are 21 again. This is a a LOT of the Vegasers. And they are all talking about how happy they are to get a way from the missus or the mister for the weekend.
3) The young singles who also come in groups. These ones make slightly more sense and they are usually not quite as drunk, and they are on the prowl. They are the ones going to the slightly naughtier places, the ones who are staying up way way late and the ones who we all wished we still looked like. Young, pretty, energetic, and just having fun. They appreciate the sights and sounds around them and are full of eager energy. I liked this group much better than the first 2.
4)this group is the Asians. This is a huge majority of the Vegasers and I really liked them because they were there for the sights and sounds of Vegas, like I was. They took millions of pictures, chattered nonstop in a happy excited way, were full of energy, were happy and clean and most of all, were not drunk in anyway. They maintained control of themselves and were overall a clean, well mannered group of people. Us americans could learn a LOT from them. I think there was so many of them because the theme in Vegas was the year of the horse and it was all Chinese. Every hotel was decorated to commemorate this and was quite incredible. I was happy they were there. They were not puking like everyone else was. I appreciate this.
5)the honeymooners. These were the smallest group and I include all couples in this one regardless if they've been marred 2 days or 20 years. They are the ones there to appreciate all the wonder that is VEgas and share it with their partner. They love the food, the show, the architecture, the decorations, the flowers, the weather and pretty much everything but people puking on their shoes. They might drink but in a modest way so they can control themselves and still be able to actually remember the trip when they return home. And they must want to actually maintain control of themselves and their facilities. What a novelty. Some of the honeymooners or more specifically the ones who have been married too long, slip into group 2 and get a little carried away trying to find their pot of gold (or happiness and companionship) in Vegas. They usually look a little lost with each other as they try to find out where they fit into the whole mess.
It saddened me that this was the smallest group of people because I cannot imagine a marriage in which I would want to leave my husband and go on a wild girls weekend. I will always choose him first over anything or anyone as he's my very very favorite person in the whole world to hang out with and especially to travel with. Obviously I can't quite survive without him either or I would have ended up screaming my head off in a plane thinking the ceiling was falling on us (from the kind ladies drugs) and I would have left my purse at every single place we went. I would have sat though time share after time share presentation as I can't tell these people no, I would have bought every single thing at every single kiosk we passed because I am such a gullible consumer. I mean it only makes sense that I buy dead sea mineral lotion from the Iranian because he MUST have brought it over from his own backyard in his pocket or something. I would have probably had to many Mojitos and done something dumb. I would definantly have gotten myself in trouble giving all my money to the homeless people who make me so sad I can't stand it. I would have walked into numerous poles and most assuredly would have rented a limousine hummer.
The only think I didn't like about Vegas is all the millions of people who are hired for low wage to clean up all the puke and filth that we all leave around their city with no thought for whose going to have to clean it up. The maids and bell boys who must get SO tired of all these snotty americans looking down their noses at them and ignoring them. Someone has to take care of all us spoiled americans and these people work SO hard. I was in a bathroom at one of the fancy casinos and there was 2 maids trying to unplug a very nasty toilet. They were talking in spanish and were having a very hard time with the whole thing. You could tell they were almost besides themselves, they couldn't get in unplugged and they most likely were totally grossed out. I wanted to help them so badly as Ive had more than my fair share of experience with plumbing issues but I decided that might be overstepping my boundaries a bit. But my heart went out to them, how was this worth it? Cleaning up after all of us all day long. Welcome to America. It is beneath us to clean up after ourselves. I made it a point to make sure my toilet was always flushed, my hotel room was always clean, my paper towel to dry my hands was always thrown away etc. That way I had the peace of mind knowing someone wasn't having to clean up after me.
Anyway this post is so long and random that I assume most of you have moved on. I'm pretty sure no one but me cares about the categories of people in Vegas. But stay tuned if you want to find out how I got back to Kalispell. Because rest assured it wasn't going to be via flying. Ever. I had made a vow to myself that I would never put myself through that kind of terror again. And I was going to keep it, no matter what.
